Saturday, December 26, 2009


i know its probably entirely innaproriate to advertise your personal mental state over a blog but who gives a fuck right?

ill type it small so as to offend less. i make stupid choices, things that aren't even bad yet are detrimental to my health.

i knew trying to be all carefree, fun and edgy would come back to haunt me..and it did. how can one expect to be ok when they havent dealt with all the past issues holing them back.

i don't know how to make this ok. i cant get clarity without looking crazy nor can i move on by myself.

you took something from me a long time ago and i don't know what it was, or how to get it back.

My head is a mess, i cant distract myself. I get anxiety more frequently. Its strange how someone you don't even love or even means a thing to you can cause you anxiety. It's strange that the most insignificant people affect you simply cause of the significance of the situation.

I want freedom. I want release. I want another tattoo because apparently the original one doesn't remind me enough of the person i should be. im so erratic. it annoys me and hurts me so much. one second i can barely function, the sound of my phone, the brief anxiety attack, all in the hope that its from you and this stupidity will all just end.

the next, im free. strong and brillant and completely resiliant to whatever darkness I was facing.

I can't express enough how much this one old issue thats sitting in my mind affects me. it was such a brief encounter, yet i am so unbelievably scared. It's such a deep and ugly scar, i thought you meant nothing. I thought you had no impact on the person i am. yet your age, your wisdom and your mess makes me question life and who i am and what i want. i don't even really like you as a person, let alone feel anything else. you bring out the worst in me and its like some sick sick addiction. maybe one day you will treat me the way you want to. befriend me in the way you want. i know you look at me like you care, like you want to be my friend and act like a friend does. she told me you did.

the saddest thing is you remind me of the saddest little song ever.
I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
I can't wait until you are completely irrelevant. i cant wait til im confident enough in myself that you will cease to exist.

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