Saturday, December 26, 2009


i know its probably entirely innaproriate to advertise your personal mental state over a blog but who gives a fuck right?

ill type it small so as to offend less. i make stupid choices, things that aren't even bad yet are detrimental to my health.

i knew trying to be all carefree, fun and edgy would come back to haunt me..and it did. how can one expect to be ok when they havent dealt with all the past issues holing them back.

i don't know how to make this ok. i cant get clarity without looking crazy nor can i move on by myself.

you took something from me a long time ago and i don't know what it was, or how to get it back.

My head is a mess, i cant distract myself. I get anxiety more frequently. Its strange how someone you don't even love or even means a thing to you can cause you anxiety. It's strange that the most insignificant people affect you simply cause of the significance of the situation.

I want freedom. I want release. I want another tattoo because apparently the original one doesn't remind me enough of the person i should be. im so erratic. it annoys me and hurts me so much. one second i can barely function, the sound of my phone, the brief anxiety attack, all in the hope that its from you and this stupidity will all just end.

the next, im free. strong and brillant and completely resiliant to whatever darkness I was facing.

I can't express enough how much this one old issue thats sitting in my mind affects me. it was such a brief encounter, yet i am so unbelievably scared. It's such a deep and ugly scar, i thought you meant nothing. I thought you had no impact on the person i am. yet your age, your wisdom and your mess makes me question life and who i am and what i want. i don't even really like you as a person, let alone feel anything else. you bring out the worst in me and its like some sick sick addiction. maybe one day you will treat me the way you want to. befriend me in the way you want. i know you look at me like you care, like you want to be my friend and act like a friend does. she told me you did.

the saddest thing is you remind me of the saddest little song ever.
I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
I can't wait until you are completely irrelevant. i cant wait til im confident enough in myself that you will cease to exist.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Today is a serious venting writing day.
A ambigous diary entry.
Innocent or what? Someone recently made the comment that I was innocent.
Defined. adjective
1. free from moral wrong; without sin; pure: innocent children
Perhaps I'd like to be innocent. defined by simple effect, creating a wave of assumption. I like that someone thought I was innocent, its like wiping the slate clean, all my past indisrecions erased temporarily.
I'd rather appear innocent and fragile, childlike even, that to be like YOU. So hard with so many layers that innocence appears lost. Just like a nut, hidden in a hard protective shell, YOU have a centre, although it would be a miracle to ever find it.
I may be innocent but I'm also so fragile you can see fear written across my face as soon as I feel it. I'm obvious despite being hard to predict. I may like to be in control but I'll never let you sit back too long and wonder. Maybe that's what innocence is. Your human capacity to react to things, the more innocent the more obvious and see through your reactions are. Like a child, you cannot hide suprise from anyone. Maybe those who are no longer innocent have becomr ultimate riddle, closed books, shut so no one can see, hard to read, hard to understand and painstakingly dragged out.
I hope and pray you find your innocence again.
some lyrics. Panic At the Disco!
Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did
And how I hope to God he was worth it.
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?No, no, no, you know it will always just be me
with things as hot as that, sometimes innocence is over rated.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Rolling with the h o m i e s

Britany bitch.

tribute to b. murphy. no one will ever doe big eyes and pouty lips q u i t e in the way YOU did.
cant quite even contain what Clueless meant to me.
In your honour, a clueless fashion blog. half cause you're dead. hald cause im loving 90s fat-shion.

Love Dion's dress. I have one some what similar in blue.

Dig see through shirts.Love leotards. I have a full legnth one from American Apparel somewhat inspired from this era.

LOVE the socks.

Saturday, December 19, 2009


forgot some vaguely important things.
ie. my guess boots which I have been devouring for the past few months.

V i s u a l representation of why I would revert to lesbiansm

what more could a lesbian want? hot skinny half naked semi traash models making out. Alas, this does not get my juices flowing so instead i'll apprecaite from an artistic mindset.

Monday, December 14, 2009


How can one describe love?Simple. Three little letter. S. L. R. I now own one and this is the encounters it witnessed.

Apparently people have noticed I haven't blogged for a while, amazing people even read this.

But then again, this was never for the people.

So I had an eventful weekend. I worked. I had my dancing concert. I was in charge of backstage. Fuck you 5 year olds, I now own grey hair.

Next was Evie and Hannahs 21st. Great fun for all. Loads of bitchin photos.

BBQ @ Ange's house. First sighting of Poppy! Cutest baby

Op Shop love with Lizzie ended in the purchase of these swell loafers.
Thats about it for now. I'll be jetting off to asia soon so I'll be travel blogging like crazy.