Anxious.

i know its probably entirely innaproriate to advertise your personal mental state over a blog but who gives a fuck right?

ill type it small so as to offend less. i make stupid choices, things that aren't even bad yet are detrimental to my health.

i knew trying to be all carefree, fun and edgy would come back to haunt me..and it did. how can one expect to be ok when they havent dealt with all the past issues holing them back.

i don't know how to make this ok. i cant get clarity without looking crazy nor can i move on by myself.

you took something from me a long time ago and i don't know what it was, or how to get it back.

My head is a mess, i cant distract myself. I get anxiety more frequently. Its strange how someone you don't even love or even means a thing to you can cause you anxiety. It's strange that the most insignificant people affect you simply cause of the significance of the situation.

I want freedom. I want release. I want another tattoo because apparently the original one doesn't remind me enough of the person i should be. im so erratic. it annoys me and hurts me so much. one second i can barely function, the sound of my phone, the brief anxiety attack, all in the hope that its from you and this stupidity will all just end.

the next, im free. strong and brillant and completely resiliant to whatever darkness I was facing.

I can't express enough how much this one old issue thats sitting in my mind affects me. it was such a brief encounter, yet i am so unbelievably scared. It's such a deep and ugly scar, i thought you meant nothing. I thought you had no impact on the person i am. yet your age, your wisdom and your mess makes me question life and who i am and what i want. i don't even really like you as a person, let alone feel anything else. you bring out the worst in me and its like some sick sick addiction. maybe one day you will treat me the way you want to. befriend me in the way you want. i know you look at me like you care, like you want to be my friend and act like a friend does. she told me you did.

the saddest thing is you remind me of the saddest little song ever.

I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control

I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice when I'm not around

You're so fuckin' special

I wish I was special

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doin' here?

I don't belong here

Whatever makes you happy

Whatever you want

You're so fuckin' special

I wish I was special

I can't wait until you are completely irrelevant. i cant wait til im confident enough in myself that you will cease to exist.

Innocence.

Today is a serious venting writing day.

A ambigous diary entry.

Innocent or what? Someone recently made the comment that I was innocent.

Defined. adjective
1. free from moral wrong; without sin; pure: innocent children

Perhaps I'd like to be innocent. defined by simple effect, creating a wave of assumption. I like that someone thought I was innocent, its like wiping the slate clean, all my past indisrecions erased temporarily.

I'd rather appear innocent and fragile, childlike even, that to be like YOU. So hard with so many layers that innocence appears lost. Just like a nut, hidden in a hard protective shell, YOU have a centre, although it would be a miracle to ever find it.

I may be innocent but I'm also so fragile you can see fear written across my face as soon as I feel it. I'm obvious despite being hard to predict. I may like to be in control but I'll never let you sit back too long and wonder. Maybe that's what innocence is. Your human capacity to react to things, the more innocent the more obvious and see through your reactions are. Like a child, you cannot hide suprise from anyone. Maybe those who are no longer innocent have becomr ultimate riddle, closed books, shut so no one can see, hard to read, hard to understand and painstakingly dragged out.

I hope and pray you find your innocence again.

some lyrics. Panic At the Disco!

Is it still me that makes you sweat?

Am I who you think about in bed?

When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?

Then think of what you did

And how I hope to God he was worth it.

When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin.

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck

Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me

Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of

Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

with things as hot as that, sometimes innocence is over rated.

Rolling with the h o m i e s

Britany bitch.

tribute to b. murphy. no one will ever doe big eyes and pouty lips q u i t e in the way YOU did.
cant quite even contain what Clueless meant to me.
In your honour, a clueless fashion blog. half cause you're dead. hald cause im loving 90s fat-shion.

Love Dion's dress. I have one some what similar in blue.

Dig see through shirts.Love leotards. I have a full legnth one from American Apparel somewhat inspired from this era.



LOVE the socks.

S.E.X

forgot some vaguely important things.

ie. my guess boots which I have been devouring for the past few months.

Boots.

Boot.

Bootie.

V i s u a l representation of why I would revert to lesbiansm

what more could a lesbian want? hot skinny half naked semi traash models making out. Alas, this does not get my juices flowing so instead i'll apprecaite from an artistic mindset.

SLR L O V E

How can one describe love?Simple. Three little letter. S. L. R. I now own one and this is the encounters it witnessed.

Apparently people have noticed I haven't blogged for a while, amazing people even read this.

But then again, this was never for the people.

So I had an eventful weekend. I worked. I had my dancing concert. I was in charge of backstage. Fuck you 5 year olds, I now own grey hair.

Next was Evie and Hannahs 21st. Great fun for all. Loads of bitchin photos.

BBQ @ Ange's house. First sighting of Poppy! Cutest baby


Op Shop love with Lizzie ended in the purchase of these swell loafers.

Thats about it for now. I'll be jetting off to asia soon so I'll be travel blogging like crazy.

game over.

today it feels like the world is over. I kinda wish it really was the end of the world, then i could just end..none of this bullshit being strong and living on through.

life sucks.

Im now planing Thailand for one. It's fucked, and depressing. I don't want to have to book rooms for two for one person.

I'm all alone and lonely and its raining. a very glum day indeed.

dope.

loving summer.

what an epic start its been. end of exams.

partying sessions.

but i have an issue.

i need a tissue.

i got a problem on my mind.

it won't go away either.

drainer.

ah well at least its nothing serious.

just irritating.

i hate when people let you down.

the rollercoaster.

friendships suck sometimes.

i just need to vent.

fuck you issue.

go away. stop ruining life.

in and out. i have personal problems. clearly

i wish you'd end like a bridge in a song.

short. refreshing. suprising.

its hard enough working out who i am.

let alone who you are.

you're breaking me. loose ends and pointless hopes.

friends don't do this.

yet its still what you ask of me.

there's people that make the pain cease.

boyfriends. best friends. good tunes.

but still you come in between.

your music used to make me dance.

now its the type i feel like dying to.

repetitive. predictable. ongoing.

like a cd with the same song on repeat.

despite the obvious task.

both taking different paths.

ill always care for you.

you amuse me.

the chase. the buzz. the fun. the excitement. the challenge.

it will kill me.

on a better note.

im on holidays and to celebrate i get to work 8 hrs tomorrow

yippee.

Factory Girl.

I love you. Your freedom. Your spirit.

"Edith Minturn Sedgwick: beautiful artist and actress... ...and all around loon. ...Remembered for setting the world on fire...and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family....Made friends with eeeeverybody, and anybody...creating chaos and uproar wherever she went. Divorced as many times as she married, she leaves only good wishes behind. "

ghetto fabulous.

I've had a ephifany. dont know how to spell it. who cares right.

One exam left. tomorrow is downer day. as in down with exams. up with par-tay.

Ive had an exceptional amount of partying and going out lately, including Melbourne Cup eve, Stakes day, Sorrys, Saint etc. Beach day with my bestie tomorrow and then KANPAI. check it . chapel street. amazing jap.

loving Phoenix still.

They say an end can be a start

Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

It's like a bad day that never ends

I feel the chaos around me

A thing I don't try to deny

I'd better learn to accept that

There are things in my life that I can't control

If I ever feel better

Remind me to spend some good time with you

You can give me your number

When it's all over I'll let you know

someone i hold dear opened me to this track.

in other news. this is for my teeny tiny jessica lay. who inspires me to love fashion more. i wish i had as much style as her and her little posse at her age. i'd be even cooler now :p

if you read this possum. dont ever grow up too much. embrace being little and cute and happy and sweet, it will get you places.

bestie. liza b and i are really in love lately. we're rocking on our awesome dates.

Fashion wise. Im loving this.

Just Shoot Me.

I love floral. All things floral. Especially these Trashions.

Loving these FLORAL DOCS, I'm going to have a serious hunt in Thailand for them.

Dope Floral Leggings. I bagged me a pair of florals not to long ago. I heart.
Dope Little Indie Chick.

I Heart Trash. I am Trash.

Cute Iddie Biddie Pinafore thingie.



This is CUTE!! Love this outfit.

Going out tonight, which for me is a fair effort. I'm almost back to my normal energy. I may need a red bull or two though to kick start my engine!!

I may even post pictures.

x

-Eaten serious banana bread.

Forgiven.

im way bend on assignments.

i fucking cant believe how little love ive shown to my blog.

its been non stop bullshit as per usual. im sick and tired of things and cant wait for it end. uni is almost done. im about 500 words away from saying a nice big fuck u to essays.

fashion is dead. at leaast mine is. i think a shop is in order. as is saving. for thailand, phils and japs. oh well.

ive made serious bffl with ebay. and buffy . i have mini orgasims everytime a vampire is on screen and my crush on seth green has been re lived over and over.

Erhm what else. I partied on the weekend. Showed some lip tonight and generally im feeling much more like the old me again. Yee haw. Dig this bitches tights.

Mong. Tastic

Evil 1, Katja 0


This is going to be a giant post because its bin SO long since I cared to frequent in some blogging business.





Montanasa/Loose Joint/Hip hop Awakening week occured.
I saw sydney people, ate, came home, woke up, got up, arrived to MMA,prepped for registration,got a cold in one nostril hung around for ALL of the battles,ate soup, got a cold in both nostils, sped to crown got their late, ran around getting BACKSTAGE passes for lots of annoying winging people that did heads in, sorted out, got performers on stage, stressed out, got really sick, had a fever, took melvins place for 2nd half of show, managed the stage...died..revived, smoked, freaked out, re arranged my stupid giant headset and pack, finished, wee-ed, got the fuck out of there, ate, snotted, somehow made it to the lobby, efren lost the ticket, efren looked and looked, efren found the ticket, i hit efren, got in the car and managed it home..presume i passed out.

Sunday was Our Backyard, battles, an amazing time chilling on the grass, wondering things, doing things, saying things, good riddance to Sydney people, MMA, home, dinner..crash.

Monday was a essay cram and then workshops. Most inspiring workshop I've ever done. Loose Joint was as down to earth as anyone could of wished for.

Tuesday. Beware me and the raddest chick around.. LEE are bringing EXPRESS Yo'Self to print. BOO YAW. also on latter thought, i skipped out on karni's bday due to illness/thought of seeing my ex.

The worst week.

I'm not sure if this is a good week or bad week. Im currently fevering my brains out and about to go pick up the bf.

-I'm seriously pissed, just when you think you can count on the people who love you, they often let you down.

-I've had a few meltdowns and feeling low

-I'm full of fever and sickness

Weekend is nearly here. Friday is uni, assignment and work (potential visit to MMA afterwards)

Saturday- 11am MMA, all day working my arse off until 5, where I get to rush over to Crown and then start the second half of the night from 7 until whenever.

Might have to kickstart the engine to even make it to the after party.

Sunday is our backyard, Loose Joint thing, Revolver gig and then Monday is assignment and workshops.

Tuesday is uni then death.

Viva La Chapelle

I couldn't have fit more pictures if I tried. I'm not sure what's with the recent outburst of creative but I think it has something to do with summer coming and no longer inspiring myself..at anything.

I actually knew this Dave Chapelle before the comedian. There was ONE. or. TWO amusing conversations in which translation was lost..

I love the way his work takes the glam into a new dimension. It's like grown up Alice in Wonderland fashion porn.

I like this one best.

Cest La Vi

there is no point of this blog except to just write crap about what i like at the moment.

I feel better. There is no easy way to live life. You don't always make the right choices and you nearly always make mistakes.

The answer in life always lies in what happens first, from there the rest comes. Without the past there is no chance of understanding the present. However if you dont leave the past behind the present has no chance to grow into the future.

you over understand

without intending love leaves another

love withers away you see

burning eternity indifferent nothing

missed youth

hurt everlasting, another reminder today.

I didnt think. It really cant be changed now. Crying may help I don't bother to regret but

I won't just forget.Only those who've felt like this before will even care

I guess the only thing to do is move on and smile.

Sometimes we loose sight of the bigger picture protecting others.

Ponyo.

this is everything i wish for in a boy...someone to blow bubbles with an sail boats

Game Over.

Shit week. I can barely breathe its been so jam packed of shit. If i have one more single issue I have to deal with then its game over. I choose to end all issues from now on.

I want more than I can handle. No doubt one heart will be a little crushed by the end of the week..regrettably mine.

To hold onto one thing I neeed to let go of another.

If i let go of the other I feel like I won't quite be ok with it.

I officially detest life this week and this post is uber depresso but what can I do, I cant change feelings or push myself to make choices I don't want to. Everything happens tomorrow.

Someone special gave me this song to think about : Phoenix..If I Ever Feel Better.

I choose these lyrics.

"If I ever feel better Remind me to spend some good time with you You can give me your number When it's all over I'll let you know "